Anyone can be a victim of IPV, regardless of ethnic background, age, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, religion, marital, financial, or employment status. IPV rarely occurs only once. We know that you are searching for what you can do to help, love, support and encourage someone you care about. 

When someone you care about is affected by IPV, it hurts you too. It is hard to know what to do or say.

Here are a few tips to help guide you.

What to look for:

• Has the person shown signs of being anxious, depressed, or withdrawn?
• Are they using unhealthy behaviors, like increased substance use, to deal with stress related to the relationship?
• Have you seen unexplained physical injuries?
• Are they more isolated? For example, are they no longer able to visit with friends and family?
• Do they make excuses for their partners behavior?
• Does the partner try to control what the person does? For example, what they wear, where they go, who they talk to, or if they can have a job.

How you approach and respond to someone will set the tone for their decision to come to you again to share their experience. Telling them what to do, making threats or reacting in an angry way feels similar to what they experience with their abuser. Do your best to listen and show extensive amounts of love and support.

Ways you can support

1. Listen well and take them seriously
   First and foremost, take seriously what the person shares with you and do not dismiss what they’re saying just because it may sound hard to believe. This may seem like a given, but it’s absolutely critical. Victims are often afraid to speak up for fear of being dismissed or concern that the truth will be viewed as a lie. Also, in many instances, victims have coped up to this point by minimizing their pain and plight. So if a loved one comes to you and tells you that they’ve experienced (or are experiencing) any type of abuse, listen intently and don’t discount their story – encourage them to speak the whole truth.
2. Build trust
   When someone shares vulnerable information with you, they’ve chosen to trust you with something terrifying and risky. Do not violate that trust. Listen first before doing anything else. Be an emotionally safe person with whom they can share.
3. Let them finish telling their story. 
   Don’t hurry this part. Eventually you will want to shift the focus and seek to discover and validate the facts. Support the victim in taking whatever steps are necessary to get – and stay – away from the danger. They’ll need clarity in figuring out what to do and what not to do going forward.

Don’t

• Tell them you always hated their abuser.
• Tell them “I told you so.”
• Ask them how they could let the abuse happen.
• Begin with a mindset of doubt that closes them off to you.
• Become angry.
• Accuse or blame them.
• Tell them what their next steps, emotions or long-term decisions should be.
• Tell them to leave the abuser immediately.
• Tell them you plan to call the cops.
• Tell them you’re going to confront the abuser.

Safety is the first priority

If you know or suspect that children are being exposed to violence, you have an obligation to report to the department of community services.

If they wish, help them to reach out to us. We are always here to help 24/7.

Be supportive and willing to listen:

• Let them know that you believe what they have told you.
• Let them know that you are there for them and you are willing to listen, if they want to talk. Allow them to say as much or as little as they want.
• No matter how tempting it is too bad–mouth their partner, stop yourself. Many people do not want the relationship to end, they just want the abuse to stop.

Allow the person to make their own decisions:

A person who has been abused may come to believe that they have no control in their life and no ability to make decisions. To help the person feel more confident and regain control:

• Let them know that there are no simple solutions but that change is possible. The first step is to look after their safety.
• Let them know that there are different options available, such as domestic violence shelters and counselling services, that can provide risk assessment and assist with safety planning.
• Allow them to decide which option is best.
• Let the person know that you will stand by them no matter what they decide.

Be supportive, even if the decisions they may make might be different than what you would make.

There are no simple, easy solutions. It is up to the person experiencing IPV to make their own choices. Just knowing someone is there to help and support them is a comforting first step.

Please contact us to discuss or ask questions. We are here to help.

What is a safety plan? 

Whether you are living in a violent relationship, thinking about leaving a violent relationship, or have already left a violent relationship, there are a few ways in which you can increase your safety and that of your children. Whenever the potential for violence is identified in someone’s life, it is important to develop a safety plan. Creating a safety plan involves identifying action steps to increase safety and to prepare in advance for the possibility of further violence. Since abusive situations and risk factors can change quickly, it is recommended that you become familiar with and review and/or revise your safety plan regularly. It is very important that your abusive partner not find out about your safety plan. Be sure to keep this document and your safety plan in a safe location unknown to your abusive partner.

In creating a safety plan, it is important to remember that :

• You are not to blame for the violence or for your children’s exposure to it.
• You are not responsible for your (ex) partner’s abusive behaviour. 
• You cannot control your (ex) partner’s violence, but it may be possible to increase your own safety as well as the safety of your children. 
• The safety of you and your children is always the most important thing. 
• You are not alone. There are resources available in the community to provide support in several ways (e.g., counselling, housing, financial assistance, etc.).

Most of the following items are for those who are physically and financially able. If you have a disability and need to leave your home, you can call us to discuss your health needs and how we can best accommodate your needs. This may include making arrangements with other services such as the local hospital, clinic, homecare services, and/or your physician. 

The following is a list of items you should try to set aside and hide in a safe place (e.g., at a friend or family member’s home, with your lawyer, or in a safety deposit box):

1. Make a photocopy of the following items and store in a safe place, away from the originals. Hide the originals someplace else, if you can.
   • Passports, birth certificates, Indian/First Nations status cards, BCID, citizenship papers, immigration papers, permanent resident or citizenship cards, etc. for all family members
   • Driver’s license, registration, insurance papers 
   • Prescriptions, medical and vaccination records for all family members 
   • School records 
   • All income assistance documentation 
   • Work permits 
   • Marriage certificate, divorce papers, custody documentation, court orders, protection orders, or other legal documents
   •  Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage documents 
   • Bank books 
   • Address/telephone book 
   • Picture of spouse/partner and any children
   • Health cards for yourself and family members All cards you normally use, for example, credit cards, bank cards, phone card, Social Insurance Number (SIN) card
2. Try to keep all the cards you normally use or copies of them in your wallet:
   • Social Insurance Number (SIN) card 
   • Credit cards 
   • Phone card 
   • Bank cards
   • Health cards
3. Try to keep your wallet and purse handy and containing the following: 
   • Keys for your home, car, workplace, safety deposit box, etc. 
   • Cheque book, bank books/statements 
   • Driver’s license, registration, insurance 
   • Address/telephone book 
   • Picture of spouse/partner and any children 
   • Emergency money (in cash) hidden away 
   • Cell phone 
   • Extra medications and a list of medications and their dosages 
   • A list of all your doctors, their contact information and their purposes
4. Keep the following items handy so you can grab them quickly:
   • Emergency suitcase containing immediate needs or a suitcase that you can pack quickly
   • Special toys and/or comforts for your children 
   • Medications 
   • Jewelry and items of special sentimental value
   • A list of other items you would like to take if you get a chance to return to your home to collect more belongings later
5. Other Considerations: 
   • Open a bank account in your own name and arrange that no bank statements or other calls be made to you. Or, arrange that mail be sent to a trusted friend or family member.
   • Save and set aside as much money as you can (e.g., a bit of change out of grocery-money if/when possible). Locate your local food bank so you can save money on groceries. 
   •  In a place you can get to quickly, set aside $20 to $30 for misc. needs and quarters for a pay phone. 
   • Hide extra clothing, keys, money, etc. at a friend/family member’s house. 
   • Plan your emergency exits, taking into consideration mobility and accessibility concerns, as well as appropriate modes of transportation and how to arrange it (e.g., taxi, bus, uber, family or friend, etc.). 
   • Plan and rehearse the steps you will take if you have to leave quickly, and learn them well. 
   • Keep an emergency packed suitcase hidden or handy/ready to pack quickly. 
   • Consider getting a safety deposit box at a bank that your partner does not go to.
6. When Dialing 911
   • Remember that if you call from a land line, you can leave the phone off the hook after you have dialed 911 and the police will come to your location. This can be particularly useful if you have any communication difficulties. However, if you call from a cell phone, the police cannot tell where you are calling from, so be sure to give them your address immediately. 
   • For TTY access (telephone device for the hearing impaired) press the spacebar announcer key repeatedly until a response is received. 
   • If you do not speak English, tell the call-taker the name of the language you speak. Stay on the line while you are connected to interpreter services that will provide assistance in your language. 
   • Try to remain on the line until the call-taker tells you it is okay to hang-up.
7. Additional Notes
   • When you leave your home, take the children if you can. If you try to get them later, the police cannot help you remove them from their other parent unless you have a valid court order. 
   •  If you have left your home, the police can escort you back to the home later to remove additional personal belongings, if it is arranged through the local police department (we help you navigate this step). At this time, you can take the items listed above as well as anything else that is important to you or your children. 
   • Police involvement will usually result in the involvement of Child Protection Services if children reside with you. The goal of this involvement is to reduce the risk to a child, not to remove the child from the care of the non-offending parent/caregiver. Child Protection workers can provide support to you and advocate for you when you attempt to access financial, residential, and other practical services. 
   •  It can be very useful to have a trustworthy friend, family member or other advocate with you when meeting with police, lawyers, etc. These are stressful times, and you might forget to tell them something or forget something they tell you.

1. AT HOME If you are living with your abusive partner: 
   • Get your Emergency Escape Plan in order and review it often. 
   • Create a list of telephone numbers including local police, us (902-422-7650), crisis line), family members, friends, counsellors, children’s friends, etc. 
   • Make arrangements with friends or family so that you can stay with them if necessary. 
   • Notice what triggers your partner’s violence. This can help you try to predict the next likely incident and give you a chance to prepare (i.e., by making plans for the children to be sent to friends/family in advance). 
   •  If you have call display on your phone, be careful about who can get access to stored numbers such as the last number you dialed or received a call from. You can also regularly erase stored numbers. If you use TTY ensure that the memory is erased. 
   •  If you have difficulty using your hands make sure your phone has large buttons and/or a speed dial function. 
   • Check your vehicle for a Global Positioning System (GPS) which your abuser may have installed in or under your car to track your movements. Look for anything that appears out of the ordinary and like it has been added on to the car. 
   • Teach your children to use the telephone (and cell phone, if you have one) to contact the police, ambulance, or the fire department. 
   • Teach your children how to make a collect call to you and to a trusted friend if your partner takes the children. 
   • Create a code word with your children and/or family/ friends so they know when to call for help. 
   • Plan your emergency exits and teach them to your children. 
   • Teach your children their own Safety Plan 
   • Consider a plan for the safety and wellbeing of your pet(s) such as making arrangements with friends or family to care for them if need be. 
   • Be aware of any weapons in the home or your partner’s access to weapons.
   •  When using the computer, be aware that your abuser may track the websites you have visited. 
2. If you are not living with your abusive partner:
   • Tell those who know of your whereabouts to tell your abusive partner, if asked, that they do not know where you are or how to contact you. 
   • Change the locks on the doors, windows, garage and mailbox. Install a peephole in the door that your children can see through as well. If possible, install an alarm system. If you have difficulties hearing an audible alarm, flashing lights, and/or vibrating pagers can be hooked up to a motion detector. Keep doors and windows locked at all times.
   • Have a pre-recorded anonymous message on your telephone answering service rather than your own voice and do not identify yourself by name. 
   • If possible, trade in your car for a different make and model. 
   •  Check your car for a Global Positioning System (GPS) which your abuser may have installed in or under your car to track your movements. 
   • Instruct your children to tell you if someone is at the door and to not answer the door themselves. 
   • Carry a cell phone and a personal alarm. Consider getting a medical alert bracelet, necklace or card that you can keep in your wallet or purse. 
   • If the police arrest the abuser, find out if he/she will be held in custody or released. You can provide input into release conditions to the investigating officer. Ask for a copy of the conditions of his/her release. 
   • Keep a copy of your protection order near you at all times. Inform your friends, colleagues, family that you have a protection order in place. 
   • If your protection order is destroyed or lost, you can obtain another copy from the Victim Services who can also provide you with ongoing notifications regarding an accused/offender
   • If your partner violates the protection order or is threatening you in any way, immediately call the police to report the violation. Key things to identify to the police are whether there has been a pattern of violence, whether your partner owns weapons or has access to them, your partner’s use of drugs/alcohol, and any concerns in regards to mental health or significant stress (i.e., related to recent job loss or life changes, etc.)
   •  Record all phone calls/messages; save all emails/text messages and Facebook/social media contacts; and document all in-person contacts made by the abusive partner. 
   • Make sure that the school, day care, and police have a copy of all court orders, including protection orders, custody and access orders, as well as a picture of the abusive partner. 
   • Notice what triggers your partner’s violence and abuse. This may help you predict the next likely violent incident and give you a chance to prepare. 
   •  If you have call display on your phone, be careful about who can get access to the stored numbers (e.g., last number dialed). 
   • Have your telephone number unpublished (there may be a monthly fee), as it is harder to track than when it is unlisted. You can block your number when calling out by dialing *67 before the number you are calling. Dialing *69 will trace the last call you received, although this service may include a cost.
   • Consider getting a cell phone and preprogram numbers of people to call. 
   • Consider rearranging your furniture as this is something your partner may not anticipate, and it may cause them to bump into it and give you some warning. 
   • Put your kitchen utensils and knife block in the cupboards so they are not as easily accessible. 
   •  If you live in an apartment, check the floor carefully when getting off the elevator. Look in mirrors when turning corners in hallways and be aware of doorways in hallways. Speak to your building manager to request increased safety measures in your building. 
   • Install smoke detectors and fire extinguishers for each floor.
   • Consider the advantages of getting a dog that barks when someone approaches your house or get a “Beware of Dog” sign. 
   •  Install a motion detection lighting system outside your home that lights up when a person is coming close to your house. 
   • Do whatever you can to increase security, including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors/windows, an electronic system, etc., and keep trees and bushes trimmed – anything to provide added security. 
   • Electronic security measures when using the computer may also be helpful including changing your passwords, creating new email addresses for yourself and your children, blocking unwanted emails and/or senders, etc.
   • If you agree to see your partner, meet in a public place and limit your isolation. Make sure someone knows where you are and when to expect you to return.
   •  If your abusive partner has legal access to your children, talk to a lawyer about getting supervised access or having access denied. 
   • If your abuser has visitations with your children, arrange for transportation for your children so that you do not have to have contact with the abusive partner.
3. In The Neighbourhood
   • Tell your neighbours that you would like them to call the police if they hear a fight or screaming in your home. 
   • Tell people who take care of your children, including schools and daycares, which people have permission to pick up your children. 
   • Tell the school, daycare, babysitter, and people who have permission to pick up your children that your (ex) partner is not permitted to do so and ask that they not give your contact information to anyone. 
   • Tell people in your neighbourhood that your partner no longer lives with you and that they should call the police if your ex-partner is seen near your home. You may wish to give them a photo and description of your ex-partner’s car. 
   • Ask your neighbours to look after your children in an emergency. 
   • Hide clothing and your Emergency Escape Plan items at a neighbour’s or friend’s house. 
   • Use different grocery stores and shopping malls and shop at hours that are different from when you were living with your abusive partner. 
   • Use a different bank or branch and take care of your banking at hours different from those you used with your abusive partner, or take care of your banking online or by telephone. 
   • If possible, change your doctor, dentist and other professional services that you would normally use. 
   • Do not put your name in your apartment building directory or mailbox.
4. At Work 
   Everyone must decide for themselves if and/or when they will tell others that their partner is abusive and that they may be at risk. Friends, family and co-workers may be able to help protect you. However, everyone should consider carefully which people to ask for help. If you are comfortable, you may choose to do any or all of the following: 
   • Show a picture of your (ex) partner and provide a description of their car to colleagues and building security personnel to make them aware and alert to your safety needs. 
   • Tell your boss, the security supervisor, and other key people or friends at work about your situation and ask that they refrain from giving anyone personal information about you. 
   • Ask to have your calls screened at work or use voicemail to screen your calls. Document any unwanted calls from your abuser. 
   • Discuss the possibility of having your employer call the police if you are in danger from your (ex) partner. 
   • Block unwanted emails or send them to a folder where you do not have to read them. 
   • If possible, ask for a transfer to a different position or location.
5. When arriving at or leaving work
   • Let someone know when you’ll be home and when to expect you to arrive at work, and that you will call them when you have safely arrived. 
   • Carry your keys in your hands. 
   • Get a remote or keyless-entry car door opener. 
   • Walk with someone to your car. 
   • Scan the parking lot. 
   • Walk around your car, look under the hood to check if anything has been tampered with and check your brakes. Keep your car seats forward so you can easily look into your car from the outside. When parking, reverse the car into the parking spot or driveway so it is possible to make a quick exit if necessary. 
   • If your partner is following you, drive to a place where there are people to support you, e.g., police station. 
   • If problems occur while you are driving, use your cell phone (with a hands-free device), honk your horn continuously, and drive directly to a well-lit, open, populated place or directly to a police station.
   •  If you have underground parking, consider parking somewhere else as underground parking lots can be dark and secluded. 
   • Keep a sign in your car saying “call police”
   • If you are walking, take a route that is populated and well-lit. 
   • Change the patterns of when you arrive and leave work and the routes you take. 
   • If you see your partner on the street, try to get to a public place such as a store or call attention to yourself and request help if you feel in danger. 
   • If you use public transit, sit close to the front near the driver and have someone you know meet you at the bus stop to walk home with you.
   •  Once you have arrived home/at work, call a friend or relative to let them know you have arrived safety.
6. During A Violent Incident
   The following is intended for anticipating an escape from violence in the home. Here are a few tips:
   • Remind yourself that you have an Emergency Escape Plan, and go over it in your mind. 
   • Start to position yourself to get out quickly or near a phone so you can call 911, if necessary.
   • Try to move to a space where the risk is the lowest. Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without access to an outside door. 
   • Make as much noise as possible (set off the fire alarm, yell “FIRE”, break things, turn up the stereo or TV) – so that neighbours may call the police for you.
   •  If you are being physically assaulted, curl into a ball to protect your head and face. Be aware that scarves or anything else worn around your neck may be used by the abusive partner to hurt you. 
   • Use your code word with your children so they can call for help. 
   • Use your judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, you may decide to placate or agree with the abuser to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
   • During or after an assault, call the police at 911 if you can. Tell them you have been assaulted and that it is an emergency. Leave the phone off the hook after your call. 
   • Once you are in a safe place, have a friend/family member take photographs of any injuries you sustained during the assault. This can also be done at the hospital if you choose to seek medical attention. Note that bruises can often take several days to appear. 
   • Take photographs of damaged clothing and/or property to be used as evidence. 
   • If you have been sexually assaulted, and if you choose to seek medical assistance, don’t bathe or shower. Go directly to a hospital where a trained professional will examine you and be able to collect evidence. Keep the clothes you were wearing during the assault (don’t wash them) and provide them to the investigating officer for use as evidence.
7. Internet Safety
   The websites you visit online can be traced – including the one you’re reading right now. To be safe, erase any record that you have visited the Bryony House website once you have completed your search. When you clear the cache and the history list, you erase ALL information that had been previously stored there. A way to avoid suspicion is after clearing the CACHE and HISTORY LIST spend some time visiting sites that are favourites for you or your family. This way, the cache and history list start to get filled up without alerting anyone to the fact that not only are you are erasing your tracks, but that you know how to do so.
   • While it is possible to clear the cache and history files so that your computer doesn’t keep a list of the sites you have visited, YOU SHOULD BE VERY CAUTIOUS ABOUT DOING THIS. If your abusive partner is comfortable with computers and sees that you have cleared all the cache and history files on your computer (including the sites the abuser has visited), this could make them suspicious or angry. 
   • Your abuser may have ways of tracking your activities on your home computer that are difficult to prevent. 
   • If you are concerned about the safety of using your home computer, if possible, use a computer at a public library, a school, an internet café, or at the home of a trusted friend.
8. Telephone Safety
   • When you call Bryony House, or any organization that assists those in danger, you must be careful to use a telephone that will not keep a record of the number you called. If you call long distance, the phone number will appear on the bill. 
   • Ensure your location services are turned off on your cell phone. If you are coming to the shelter, turn off location services as you are leaving the home so they will not be able to track you to the shelter.
   • Cell phones can also keep records of the numbers that have been called. Internet-based telephones, which also go by names like “WHATSAP”, keep records of all calls. Web-based telephone systems, such as “Skype”, also keep records. You should not use these types of telephone systems to call for help if your partner has access as well.
   • Only a local call made on a regular telephone line will not produce a record of the call. However, many telephones have a “redial” button, so you should call a friend or other “safe” number after you make any call you don’t want your partner to know about – they can check up on you just by pressing “redial”.
   • One way to be sure your home telephone uses a regular telephone line is to check your telephone bill. It will come from a telephone company, such as Bell or Eastlink. It will not list any local numbers, only long-distance calls. If you still aren’t sure, you should use extra caution.
   • The safest way to call or to receive calls from us is from a friend’s phone, a public phone, a work phone, or any telephone that is not in any way connected or accessible to your partner.